Just Desserts

transcribed by Louis Badalament II (lb140900@ohio.edu)

NARRATOR: Last week, in the city of Townsville!...

For those of you who need a recap, there was and is a banally, brown-colored lodging with absolutely no remarkable outward features to it, in fact, it would basically be safe so sum it up as being an...

NARRATOR: Average home.

...that once housed an equally...

NARRATOR: Average man, 

...by name of...

NARRATOR: Harold Smith.

HAROLD was the head of an...

NARRATOR: Average family.
BUD: This family stinks!

...and worked at an...

NARRATOR: Average job.

...operating machinery that filled and sealed mustard jars. But unbeknownst to all who were not members of HAROLD'S immediate family, HAROLD had an...

NARRATOR: Average little secret.

More than anything else in the world, HAROLD admired Townsville's supervillains. So much so, in fact, he dreamed of one day becoming a supervillain himself, it was the only bright spot in an otherwise monotonously dull existence. Though he would sneak off every night after the news to construct gear befitting such a supervillain as HAROLD one day homed to become, he never actually committed any crimes until one day when he received an... 

NARRATOR: Average visit...

Following a nightmarish three-day crisis in which Mojo Jojo held first the Mayor and then the POWERPUFF GIRLS hostage. To HAROLD'S great fury, the matter had ended with Mojo Jojo's defeat. However, before HAROLD had a chance to retreat into his bathroom for some much-needed cooling off, his average wife, MARYANNE, informed him that they'd be entertaining some guests at that very moment. Unfortunately for HAROLD, this social calling came... 

NARRATOR: From not-so-average neighbors, the Powerpuff Girls!

And their father, PROFESSOR UTONIUM, all of who, by some fateful coincidence, occupies the house next door over to the SMITHS'. This caused in HAROLD no end of... 

NARRATOR: Average tension.

Because to the same degree that HAROLD carried secret admiration for Townsville's supervillains, he also bore unspoken loathing for Townsville's superheroes. He hated the POWERPUFFS for causing the aforementioned supervillains so much grief, almost as much as he hated their beloved PROFESSOR for managing to find so much joy in his family and his life in general; an achievement HAROLD had never quite been able to pull off himself.

Though HAROLD desperately tried to call the engagement off, his wife twisted his arm, she absolutely would not have this dinner ruined in any way, mean, or form! So HAROLD tried to put on a good face, but he was only able to tolerate the POWERPUFFS saying such things as... 

BUTTERCUP: Villains are stupid!

...about his heroes for a short while before his average tension escalated into a full-blown...

NARRATOR: Average panic.

And he dashed to his bathroom to seize his gear. Thus, this one evening with the POWERPUFF GIRLS provided HAROLD with the inspiration to finally realize his dream of supervillainy, and when, in the course of conversation, BLOSSOM declared... 

BLOSSOM: Basically, there's no villain around who can take us.

HAROLD was able to sneer out...

HAROLD: Oh, really? 

Clad in long underwear and woolen socks, thick goggles and a sparkling electric head-antenna among other things, what had once been a law-abiding, if clandestinely evil-supporting average man had been transformed into an... 

NARRATOR: Average villain,

...who nonetheless still went by the name of...

NARRATOR: Harold Smith.

HAROLD then went on to commit an...

NARRATOR: Average crime.

...involving a bizarre handgun of his own customization.

HAROLD: I'm going to take this ray gun and melt the Professor's head CLEAR OFF his shoulders, HAHAHAHAHA!!

...But despite this life-threatening new complication, MARYANNE unreservedly insisted on continuing their...

NARRATOR: Average dinner...

Because she was so set on not having it spoiled. What followed was, of course, an abject mockery of a pleasant meal among friends. HAROLD still held his weapon to the PROFESSOR'S head, and had delightedly informed the POWERPUFFS that he'd pull the trigger upon the dinner's completion. The meal proceeded in a nerve-wracking stalemate; unless one were to count the PROFESSOR'S eating an a gruesomely slow pace, no member of the either the host family or the guest family did anything to increase or decrease the PROFESSOR'S chances of surviving the night. At least, not until dessert, where MARYANNE served coconut cream pie...

BLOSSOM: Eat up, Harold!

...And BLOSSOM, in a moment of frustration, threw it straight at HAROLD'S face, unintentionally initiating an all-out, free-for-all pie fight that everyone, even PROFESSOR UTONIUM participated in with laughter and glee. However, their party had become just so loud and raucous, they attracted the attention of... 

POLICEMAN: What's goin' on in here?!
UTONIUMS: He's got a gun!

...the police, who took HAROLD away to jail. And though the PROFESSOR tried to slap on a pleasant face for his hostess when he left, not even MARYANNE could pretend that the evening was anything but utterly...

NARRATOR: ...ruined.

Moments after her husband had been apprehended, and the UTONIUMS had fled from her house, the...

NARRATOR: Average wife.

Of the Smith household turned away from her window, coconut cream still plastered to her hair, so that no one but her own children, perhaps, could see the terrible outrage contorting her face.

MARYANNE: (Every syllable a rising vow of vengeance) Those Powerpuff Girls...ruined...my...DINNER! 

At this moment, MARYANNE'S was overwhelmed by...

NARRATOR: Average anger.

...Against the entire UTONIUM family for this unforgivable transgression, and she let her soul be consumed by a dark desire for...)

MARYANNE: Revenge.

And now back to this week, a bright sunny morning in...

NARRATOR: The City of Townsville! A peaceful city with peaceful folks having peaceful fun, eating peaceful food! Shine peaceful city, shine! But what keeps this city shining with peace?

In some Townsville park, the POWERPUFFS are playfully running around in a circle, while some fellow ahead of them blankly shrugs his shoulders at the NARRATOR'S question.

NARRATOR: Aw, c'mon! You know!

The fellow shakes his head, still unable to come up with an answer.

NARRATOR: No? Well just look behind ya!

The fellow does as the NARRATOR bade, and his face brightens.

NARRATOR: That's right! The Townsville Correctional Facility! A place to correct the peacefully challenged...like Harold Smith!

Who, at this precise point in time, is in his bed staring despondently at the ceiling of his prison cell. Moments later, a bell rings, and the facility's WARDEN barks through a megaphone.

WARDEN: Wake up, maggots!

The door of HAROLD'S cell slides open. What follows is something of a bitter mockery of HAROLD'S life prior to becoming a Townsville supervillain, which HAROLD is only too able to appreciate. The only real difference is that while the drudgerous routine of his civilian life only bored him numb, he wears an expression of stupefied unhappiness as he toils through the routine of his prison life, starting with the morning showers, where the WARDEN walks through in a raincoat declaring, as MARYANNE once had...

WARDEN: You'll never guess what's for breakfast!

Only, when HAROLD sits down to eat, it isn't pancakes but...

WARDEN: Slop!

And the arm of a big, burly fellow prisoner of HAROLD'S, stretches out and seizes HAROLD'S bowl of slop for himself. HAROLD doesn't even seem to notice, but only stares forward in miserable vacuity, and continues to do so as the day progresses with his operating a machine that stamps and paints license plates, his spotting for a weightlifter, finally ending with the door of his cell slamming behind him, and his going to bed. The next morning, the bell rings, the WARDEN shouts,

WARDEN: Wake up maggots!

And HAROLD wakes up. But after his cell door opens, there is an unprecedented change in routine, as the WARDEN steps up to HAROLD and booms to him through his megaphone,

WARDEN: Today's the day, Harold!

It is a solemn moment indeed, as HAROLD, flanked on one side by a priest, and the WARDEN on the other, proceeds down a long hallway with a heavy metal door at the end. They pass the cells of other prisoners, who snarl at them all. Finally, they reach the door, the WARDEN opens it, exposing a brilliant, glaring white light...

...of the outside sun. The WARDEN stares after HAROLD for a second or too, then slams the door of the prison. HAROLD SMITH is a free man. Butterflies flutter around him and a soft, adorable bunny hops to his feet. A great grin creases HAROLD'S face, and he leaps into the air.

A taxi drops him off at his average home, and HAROLD proceeds down his average walkway to his average front door. He reaches to turn his average doorknob, and spots and is spotted by PROFESSOR UTONIUM, who is trimming the hedges as once before. This time, however, instead of singing to HAROLD about how His Life Is Soooo Perfect, the PROFESSOR opts to duck down and back away slowly from HAROLD'S sight. A frown once again creases HAROLD'S features; he realizes that second chance that this may be, his crimes are not forgotten.

HAROLD turns the knob, opening the door just enough so that he can slip inside his house, and tiptoes down the hallway, making it as far as the entrance of the next room before being spotted.

MARYANNE: Harold??
HAROLD: Ma...Ma...Ma...Maryanne?

With all the lights shut in this room, HAROLD cannot make out that much detail about his wife, all HAROLD can see is of his wife is her silhouette and her eyes. It may be just some weird trick of optics, but MARYANNE'S eyes seem to be glowing a demonic red at the far end of the table she is seated at.

MARYANNE: Sit down, Harold.
HAROLD: You know, Maryanne, I was...
MARYANNE: SIT!!!

HAROLD seats himself immediately. The two of them spend a moment staring at each other from opposite ends of the table. The silence gets to HAROLD in nanoseconds.

HAROLD: Maryanne, I'm sorry. I embarrassed our family. I embarrassed you. I couldn't control myself!

Sighs forlornly, HAROLD sounds as if he's honestly willing to forever surrender that part of him that loves villainy, and resume life as a normal, law-abiding citizen.

HAROLD: (Breaking into tears.) I'm so sorry, Maryanne. I really...I really didn't handle that situation too well! I'm so sorry!

MARYANNE heaves a sigh of disgust at her husband's tears.

MARYANNE: You should be sorry! But, it is the Powerpuff Girls who will be sorry...NEXT TIME!!!

She thrusts her head forward, and indeed, her whole body forward onto the table, so that HAROLD can get a full-lighted view of her angry face. HAROLD'S sullen expression brightens immediately.

HAROLD: (Joyous astonishment) N...'next time?!'

Hardly daring to believe what his wife might be implying, he asks,

HAROLD: (Carefully) What are you saying, Maryanne??

MARYANNE gazes at HAROLD with a look of sinister love, as he climbs up on the table with her, taking the same doglike hands-and-knees posture she is in now.

MARYANNE: I'm trying to say, Harold...
HAROLD: Yes?

While HAROLD holds out one of his hands, MARYANNE rises up on her knees and holds out both of hers.

MARYANNE: That together!...
HAROLD: Yes??

She takes both of HAROLD'S hands in hers and brings him up to her kneeling level.

MARYANNE: WE'LL DESTROY THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!!
HAROLD: OH, MARYANNE!

Husband and wife lock themselves in an embrace and kiss each other in a moment of voracious, overwhelming passion.

HAROLD: We haven't kissed like that since 1980!
MARYANNE: Oh, Harold!

They hug each other again in amorous delight, but the couple's smiles turn from affectionate to devious as MARYANNE tells HAROLD,

MARYANNE: Now listen closely, Harold! I have a plan!
HAROLD: But what about the kids?

A good question. Seconds later, it is answered, in part at least, by the arrival of their young daughter, JULIE. JULIE rushes into the room with her eyes squeezed tight, and howling in misery. She climbs right on the table with her parents, and tells them,

JULIE: Mommy! Daddy! The Powerpuff Girls lost my JACKS!!

She sheds a few more loud tears for her vanished jacks, before declaring,

JULIE: (Utterly murderous) I HATE the Powerpuff Girls!

And then their punk son, BUD enters the room, and he climbs up on the table, too.

BUD: And you know what? I hate everything!

HAROLD is beside himself with joy.

HAROLD: Oh, family! I'm so very proud of all of you! And united, we will destroy the Powerpuff Girls, as the Supervillain Family...THE SMITHS!!!

The SMITHS take a moment to take a sinister poise on the table and revel in their newfound villainy before HAROLD yells out,

HAROLD: Suit UP!!!
JULIE: JULIE SMITH!

In a flash, JULIE changes from her average pink dress to...something much more malevolent, especially on a kindergarten girl. As a supervillain, JULIE SMITH wears a purple hair ribbon, ballet shoes and tutu, as well as a bandit's mask. Save for the hair ribbon, all these clothes are a sinister black, and as an extra accessory, the eyes behind the mask have some kind of contacts in them so they shine with a perpetually red hue.

JULIE balances herself on one foot, exposing the length of spikes lined around the end of her tutu, and spins herself around, ballerina-style, like a low-speed chainsaw, finishing with graceful deportment.

BUD: BUD SMITH!

BUD, too, wears a lot of black as a supervillain, black boots, black mask, black full-body suit, he does, however, wear purple gloves, and a long, green cape to compliment the shade his hair is dyed in.

He delivers a harsh one-two combination punch to the air before raising his hands out with only his outer fingers bent forward in a rockin' salute.

MARYANNE: MARYANNE SMITH!

The outfit MARYANNE wears shows the most amount of skin; a sleeveless, legless spandex body suit; though she does wear gloves and long boots to compensate. Like her daughter, MARYANNE sports a bandit's mask around her eyes with red demon contact lens.

In her arms are two mighty mallets, spiked at the end so that the somewhat resemble huge meat tenderizers. She swings them around a few times before bringing them crashing down thunderously on the floor before her.

HAROLD: AND HAROLD SMITH!

He suits himself in the exact same asinine outfit he'd worn when getting arrested.

HAROLD: THE MAN WITH THE...sparkler on his head. 

He hangs his head in shame, finally taking in how clownish his did-it-himself villain costume looks, especially when compared to the stylish attire of his family.

HAROLD: (sulkily) Aw, criminy, how come you guys get cool supervillain stuff?
MARYANNE: We've had more time to prepare, dear. But we have a surprise for you! 

The SMITHS gather outside, where HAROLD'S surprise awaits just beyond the garage door.

MARYANNE: Behold, Harold!

She hits THE BUTTON! On the garage door opener, and the door lifts up dramatically. HAROLD watches with a wide, goofy grin on his face, as if life simply could not get any better. Finally, the garage door finishes lifting to reveal...

HAROLD: I love you, Maryanne.
MARYANNE: Ultra-raised slash-proof white-coat tires, blinding three thousand watt headlights, five turbo-jet engines for optimum speed, six different titanium rocket launchers, rotating laser cannon turret, and a spacious leather interior that comfortably seats a family of four. Harold, I give you...The SMITH FAMILY MINIVAN!!!

The Minivan is as dangerous a vehicle as they get, even by suburbanite standards. Everything MARYANNE has just advertised about it is all there, its shiny black surface sparkles with an unused newness, as if begging HAROLD to put it to whatever evil use he may. HAROLD squeezes MARYANNE'S hands in delight.

HAROLD: Do you know what this means??
MARYANNE: Yes I do.
HAROLD: It means...it MEANS!...

His eyes dart around conspiratorially before belting out,

HAROLD: ...picking up the kids from school will be a BLAST!!

MARYANNE rewards HAROLD for that profound proclamation of his with a solid punch to the nose.

HAROLD: (Rubbing nose) Ooh! Hey, why did you do that?
MARYANNE: Why don't we try to be quiet? NOW LISTEN UP!!!

The SMITHS peek, ever-so-carefully around the edge of their garage, peering towards the hated UTONIUM house.

MARYANNE: Ya see that? 

'That', perhaps unsurprisingly, are the UTONIUMS themselves, engaged in a spirited game of blind-man's-bluff, with PROFESSOR UTONIUM wearing the blindfold.

MARYANNE: Look at that family unity! It makes me SICK! 

The PROFESSOR is making a complete fool of himself trying to catch his girls, who only hover out of his way whenever he tries to catch him. But for his part, the PROFESSOR looks as though he's having the time of his life as his girls fly circles around him, and tap him on the behind while he's falling on the ground and tripping over rocks, while the POWERPUFFS only seem to love him all the more for all of this.

MARYANNE: Every Saturday morning they all have a great time, playing in the yard! But at precisely eleven a.m.!... 

Which is right now, as the PROFESSOR'S watch so timely alerts.

MARYANNE: ...They always go grocery shopping! 

And the UTONIUMS get inside their white car, and head off to the market. The SMITHS wait until they are quite gone.

MARYANNE: Now's our chance, dear family! And to break a Powerpuff Family... 

Her eyes dart over to the UTONIUM house.

MARYANNE: ...We must break a Powerpuff Home! Ee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-ha-ha-ha!!

So the SMITHS crowd into their Minivan and HAROLD turns it on, and brings it out. In his excitement, he accidentally drives it quite a bit further than the driveway just next door, but quickly realizes his mistake, puts it into reverse, and parks his car into front of the UTONIUM house. Inside, it is a paradigm of peace and tranquility, until the SMITHS break the door in.

HAROLD: Huh-huh-huh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-HA!! 

Oblivious to the destruction their home is suffering at the hands of their next-door neighbors, the UTONIUMS continue with their shopping in a mellow, easygoing, manner, with the PROFESSOR pushing the cart, as his daughters fill it up, item by item at super flight speed. A load of apples disappear in a red flash, cans of tomato soup in a green flash, cereal in a blue one. Practical shoppers, the POWERPUFFS get all the essential items, such as eggs, milk and butter, and quite a few things in between, by the time the shopping is done, the contents of the shopping cart reach higher than the store's display cases, almost touching the overhead lights.

When the UTONIUMS arrive home and park in front of their house, the SMITH Minivan has disappeared, and although there is no outward sign of any damage, once they go inside with their groceries...

PROFESSOR: Alright! Into the kit...

First the POWERPUFFS and then the PROFESSOR stare at the devastation before them in astounded distress.

PROFESSOR: (Horrified) ...chen???

Stuffing torn out of the couch, table shattered into splinter-wood. Potted plant ripped from its pot, goldfish flopping on the carpet, its bowl shattered. This is just the tip of the iceberg; holes are bored into the wall, chairs broken through, the chandelier over the foyer actually looks halfway melted. The UTONIUM family take in the entire picture silent and dumbstruck.

Meanwhile, back in their home next door, the SMITHS are enjoying a very good bout of villainous laugh at the success of their first family caper.

HAROLD: Those chumps have no idea what hit them!! Ooh-ha-ha-ha-ha!
BUD: They're probably all sad!
JULIE: And worried!

The SMITH children snicker to themselves at the prospect.

MARYANNE: They might even have to MOVE!

She lets out an excited gasp, flush with hope.

MARYANNE: I have GOT to go see!

Once in her far less threatening civilian duds, MARYANNE speed-walks over to the UTONIUM house, a neighborly smile on her face, and a tray of cookies in her hand. She rings the bell, pokes the door open and lets herself in.

MARYANNE: Hel-lo! Brought some cookies! 

She blinks. The scene before her is better than she could have probably hoped; PROFESSOR UTONIUM and the POWERPUFF GIRLS are all hugging each other, a forlorn family trying desperately to find comfort in each other in this moment of loss and ruin.

MARYANNE: Oh my goodness, what happened here?

MARYANNE'S voice is appropriately sad and sympathetic, but it's lucky for her that the POWERPUFFS don't catch how brightly she's smiling.

PROFESSOR: Oh! It's AWFUL, Mrs. Smith!
BLOSSOM: Somebody destroyed our home!
MARYANNE: REALLY?!?! ...that is awful.
BUTTERCUP: But thankfully, none of us were hurt.
BUBBLES: Yes! And as long as we have each other, we're indestructible!

As surprised as MARYANNE was before, it is nothing to that she experiences upon learning this little fact. She loses her grip on her tray, and most of the cookies slip to the ground unnoticed.

MARYANNE: HAROLD! HAROLD!!!

She slams the door behind her and hurries home. The UTONIUMS listen in bewildered confusion at the dialogue that follows, for though the words come at SMITH house, they are spoken loud enough to carry to the UTONIUM'S ears.

HAROLD: What is it?
MARYANNE: Shut up and get in the car! Bud! Julie! Get in the car! I SAID GET IN THE CAR!! NOW!!!

Shortly after they hear the sound of the SMITHS' car revving up, blinding light fills the room from the Minivan shines forth into their window, getting brighter and brighter, until it smashes straight through the wall and knocks all the UTONIUMS into the opposite with its force.

MARYANNE is back in her villains' outfit, riding shotgun to HAROLD, while the children sit in the back seat. She waves her fist in the air and screeches,

MARYANNE: RAM 'EM, HAROLD!!!

HAROLD is only too happy to comply; at this moment with his teeth clenched in a tight downward contortion, and his arms gripping the steering wheel with a chokeholder force, he looks even more dangerous and murderous than his wife, silly suit or no. He slams his foot on the gas pedal, the wheels gyrate on the carpet, but the POWERPUFFS seize their PROFESSOR and lift him out of harm's way in the nick of time; all the Minivan does is cause even more damage to the house.

HAROLD: Bud! Julie! I can't see! 

His children duck their heads down, exposing the UTONIUMS through the Minivan's back window. He smiles evilly...

HAROLD: Oh, now I see them!

...and slams the car into breakneck-speed reverse. Once again, the POWERPUFFS are able to lift the PROFESSOR out of harm's way, taking him back into the house, but HAROLD quickly changes gears and follows after them in hot pursuit.

MARYANNE: BLAST 'EM!

So HAROLD activates the laser cannon turret perched on the Minivan's roof; but zap away as he might, the POWERPUFFS always manage to pull their PROFESSOR out of the laser's shot. Though the PROFESSOR has a look of horrified confusion on his face, all three of the POWERPUFFS, wear expressions of grim seriousness, as if however weird this situation might have got, all that matters is that they react and survive, and save their father from harm.

In an effort to shake off the SMITHS, the POWERPUFFS take the PROFESSOR up the stairs to their house's second floor, but one of the features MARYANNE had apparently forgot to mention about the Minivan was its ability to climb stairs, unfortunately for the UTONIUMS.

Be that as it may, the POWERPUFFS zoom down a few more hallways, and duck into one of their rooms, BLOSSOM shutting the door behind them. But almost instinctively, the Minivan crashes into this very room, taking out the door. But the POWERPUFFS escape through another door, and close themselves in another room; but the Minivan still tails them, plowing through both these doors. They try this trick one last time, taking the PROFESSOR into their own bedroom, with the exact same results; HAROLD pummels in, crushing their bed as he pursuing them wildly around the bedroom; finally, they find themselves cornered at the end of the second floor hallway, the SMITHS charging their Minivan at them...

BLOSSOM: (Decisively) Enough's enough. Time to get Powerpuff tough!

The POWERPUFFS set the PROFESSOR down and charge forward, and with one mighty blow, the terrifying engine of destruction that was the Smith Family Minivan is nothing but a spacious leather interior comfortably seating a family of four that the Smiths are buckled into.

BLOSSOM: What's wrong with you people?! Why are you doing this?

MARYANNE unbuckles herself and stands up.

MARYANNE: Why am I doing this? Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
MARYANNE: I'LL TELL YOU WHY I'M DOING THIS!!!!

She snarls so violently, it gives BLOSSOM the shivers. When next MARYANNE speaks, she starts off in a calm, reasoning voice that descends to increasing levels of madness in short order.

MARYANNE: We try and be good neighbors, we invite you into our home, we provide you with food and hospitality, and how do you repay us?! You drove my husband insane, you sent him to prison, but on top of all THAT, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BRATS RUINED MY DINNER!!!

The POWERPUFFS are not impressed.

BUBBLES: That's it?
BLOSSOM: That's not a good reason at all!
MARYANNE: (Confused) Really?
BUTTERCUP: Really.

The SMITHS then get their well-deserved knockouts; BUTTERCUP to MARYANNE, BLOSSOM to HAROLD, and BUBBLES finishes by smashing the heads of JULIE and BUD together. The SMITHS are still out cold when they're thrown into their prison cell and the door slams behind them.

NARRATOR: Well done, Girls! What a fitting end to such an unfit family!

The Flashing Heart Logo Flashes its Hearts.

NARRATOR: So, Once Again, The Day Is Saved, Thanks To The Powerpuff Girls!

T H E  E N D