The Bare Facts

transcribed by Louis Badalament II (lb140900@ohio.edu)

MAYOR MAYOR is looking outside his office window to the bright, sunny view of Townsville outside.

MAYOR: The City of Townsville...is entirely mine! I love this job, there's just so much to love about being the Mayor! 

MAYOR continues to register the perks of his job as he walks from the window, and comes to seat himself in the chair of his desk.

MAYOR: Meeting new people, visiting exotic places, soaring to new heights! And I love my office! I love my phone!

He picks up the phone, and, without dialing any number says;

MAYOR: Hello, this is the Mayor, I'd like to order a pizza! Put it on my tab! 

He laughs.

MAYOR: I love the power! 

MAYOR grabs a framed picture of his wife with one hand, while his other hands picks up a ballpoint pen almost unconsciously, and he brings both up in front of his nose.

MAYOR: Ah, my wife! I love my...eh...pen...

Awkwardly, MAYOR puts back his wife's picture stares at the pen he loves for a second, and then puts that down as well.

MAYOR: And I just love the responsibility and the active decision-making that comes with being one man in charge of an entire city!

Among the objects that crowd his desk is a gray intercom system. MAYOR hits a button on this intercom and speaks into it.

MAYOR: Uh, Ms. Bellum...uh...what am I supposed to do? 
BELLUM: Good morning, Mayor. Well, you can start by signing some very important documents on your desk.
MAYOR: Important documents? Where would those be? 

The only thing MAYOR can see is a blank piece of paper on his blotter he has drawing on. Distractedly, he finishes the sketch of himself as a buff, beefy muscleman with his pen, under which he has scribbled the words 'I'M STRONG'.

MAYOR: Important documents...uh...oh! 

In a flash of insight, the MAYOR flips over this paper to find the very manuscripts he has been looking for. With some difficulty, he reads out its title.

MAYOR: Im-port-ant...Nnnn-ewwww...L--Llll-awwww! Hmm! Wonder what this is all about? Well it must be important...I'll sign it!

MAYOR taps a finger on his desk blotter absentmindedly, his body trying desperately to activate some mental synapses. It isn't too long before he's frantically hitting the button on his intercom again.

MAYOR: Uh...uh, hi, Ms...Bellum...uh...
BELLUM: (Very slowly) M-A-Y-O-R.
MAYOR: D'oh! Uh...yes! Thank you Ms. Bellum!

But before MAYOR can scrawl down his signature, his attention is diverted by the sound of shattering glass. He swivels his head over to another end of his office room, where a window above an office couch has been broken in.

MAYOR: Oh, my! What's all that glass doing on the floor?!

Seconds later, MAYOR suddenly finds a much bigger problem to worry about in the from of MOJO JOJO, whom he is nose-to-nose with. 

MAYOR: WHA...?! 

As the MAYOR screams, MOJO JOJO leaps into the air, a sturdy-looking two-by-four clutched in his hands, and brings it down on top of him. Though he tries to protect himself with his arm, MOJO JOJO scores a direct hit on the MAYOR'S head.

MAYOR: Oh, it's YOU! You won't get away with this...Mo...jo...jo...

The MAYOR loses consciousness quickly while he stares into the face of the smirking chimpanzee that attacked him. He collapses to his floor, vision blurring, then fading into darkness.

Sometime later, the MAYOR comes too, he can still see nothing but darkness; it is as if he had never opened his eyes at all.

MAYOR: Oh, my head! Guuhh...oh! Where am I?! Why can't I see?! Uh...Wait!! And why can't I move my arms and legs?!
MOJO JOJO: Oh, shut up already! 
MAYOR: Who's that? Is that you, Mommy? 
MOJO JOJO: No, Dummy, it's ME!! The eeeee-vil MOJO JOJO!! I've blindfolded and tied you up in order to keep the whereabouts of my Secret Lair a SECRET!!
MAYOR: (Brightly) Oh! You mean the observatory on the top of the volcano in the middle of Townsville Central Park? 
MOJO JOJO: (Resentfully) Ooh, Shut Up, I say!! I said 'Shut Up' because I am going to Become Powerful, but before I can Become Powerful, I must be Taken Seriously, and the only way to be Taken Seriously is to RULE THE CITY OF TOWNSVILLE AS THE MAYOR!!! But in order me to Become Mayor, you cannot be Mayor, and that is why I had to STRIP YOU OF YOUR...!!!!

But at that moment, both MOJO JOJO and the MAYOR stop their conversation at the sound of breaking ceiling, and a new voice that calls out...

BLOSSOM: Not so fast...!
BUBBLES: ...Mojo Jojo!
MOJO JOJO: POWERPUFF GIRLS!! Ooh, Take THIS!!!

MAYOR is unable to make out exactly what transpiring during MOJO JOJO'S battle with the POWERPUFF GIRLS, gagged and blindfolded as he is. He is only able to listen to the sounds that reverberate through the Secret Lair; the flying movements of the POWERPUFFS, the assorted weaponry of MOJO JOJO, and various interjections from all combatants concerned.

BUBBLES: Eeek! 
BUTTERCUP: D'ah! 
MOJO JOJO: YAH! WAH! Wooo-AHH!

Among the noise is the sound of BLOSSOM being struck.

BLOSSOM: OW!! That's IT, Mojo! Now you're gonna get it!

And get it he does. The POWERPUFFS smack him into a state of agony...

MOJO JOJO: OOH!

And then to a disoriented state of unconscious, much as MOJO JOJO himself had bestowed upon the MAYOR earlier. He groans out insensibly as he falls down for the count.

MOJO JOJO: Uhhh...eee...guuu...uuhhh...hhhhuhhh...
BLOSSOM: Let's get the Mayor! (laughing as she speaks) Are you okay, Mayor? 
BUTTERCUP: (also laughing) Yeah! Are you okay? 

For some inexplicable reason, all three of the POWERPUFFS burst out into helpless giggling.

MAYOR: What's so funny? 
BLOSSOM: (Still laughing) Oho, nothing, c'mon! 

They continue to laugh as they fly back, with the MAYOR in tow. Moments later, when his blindfold is removed, he sees a great pair of bulbous pink eyeballs and screams out in alarm.

MAYOR: B'AAH!!! Oh! Hi, Blossom! Hey, where am I?
BLOSSOM: Back in your office, safe and sound. Are you okay? 
MAYOR: A-okay, I think! Why that was some fight I heard! Thank you for saving my life...although what was so gosh-darn funny? Why were you all laughing?

BUBBLES giggles to herself, and BUTTERCUP cannot meet the MAYOR'S eyes.

BLOSSOM: Heh-heh...well...you don't want to here it, it...it's such a long story!
BUTTERCUP & BUBBLES: Yeah, long story!
MAYOR: I got time.
BLOSSOM: Well, you see, it goes like this...
BUBBLES: ...We were all at school! I was drawing a pretty picture of a red daisy, but then Blossom came along and said that the red daisy was bi ...bio ...ga ...leggical ...biogaleggically impossible! ...So then I made it a yellow one, but I really liked the red one...maybe I should have made two flowers, one red and one...
BUTTERCUP: (Impatiently) Bubbles! The Mayor doesn't want to hear about your stupid baby stories, he just wants to know the bare facts! Who cares about a dumb old flower, anyway? Mayor, I'll tell you what really happened, see...
BLOSSOM: I was at school, brushing up on my Conversational Chinese, when all of a sudden, my Hotline Phone rang! I knew there was trouble, and I had to act fast! I rushed to the phone!...
BUTTERCUP: Why is everything always about you? We were there, too!
BUBBLES: Yeah! And I was drawing a very important picture! ...although now I can't remember if it was a yellow flower or a pink flower...hey, Blossom, do you remember what color it...?
BLOSSOM: Anyway, like I was saying, I answered the phone...oh, Buttercup and Bubbles were there, too, I guess...it was Ms. Bellum on the phone! She informed me that you'd been KIDNAPPED!
BUBBLES: Hey, you mean MAYOR-napped, don't you? He's not a little KID, you know! 
BUTTERCUP: Yeah! He's no spring chicken!
BUBBLES: Yeah, he's no chicken! 
BLOSSOM: SHUSH! Mister Mayor, you had written an elaborate note telling Ms. Bellum that you'd gone home to write your election speech!
MAYOR: I did? How smart of me!
BLOSSOM: That's not what I mean! See, you didn't actually write the note!
MAYOR: But you just said I wrote the note!
BLOSSOM: Ms. Bellum said that you couldn't have possibly written the note because she writes all of your speeches! 
MAYOR: Ms. Bellum wrote the note?

BLOSSOM screams and flaps her arms like a bird in exasperation.

BLOSSOM: NO!!!! NEITHER YOU NOR MS. BELLUM WROTE THE NOTE! 
MAYOR: (Befuddled) Then who wrote the note?! I'm sorry, Blossom, but this is all terribly confusing!! 
BLOSSOM: (Deductive) I knew that there was only one evil, menacing character cunning enough to do this! 
BUBBLES: Mojo Jojo! 
MAYOR: Mojo Jojo?
POWERPUFFS: (Delighted) YES! YES! 
MAYOR: Mojo Jojo wrote my speech? I'll have to thank him! 

Now it is BUTTERCUP who is screaming out in frustration at the MAYOR'S dim-wittedness.

BUTTERCUP: AAAH!!! MOJO WROTE THE NOTE!!! MOJOWROTETHENOTE!!!! We got to the Observatory, busted in, beat up Mojo, rescued you, and here we are!! Can we go home, now?! 
BLOSSOM: Buttercup! There's more to the story than that!
MAYOR: (Sounding hurt) Why were you laughing so much? My life was at stake! I don't see what was so funny! 
BLOSSOM: Well, I'm trying to get to that, Mayor, if Buttercup would just butt out and let me tell the story! 

BUTTERCUP fixes BLOSSOM with an angry snarl, but lets her proceed with her narrative.

BLOSSOM: We quickly forged out on our mission to defeat Mojo Jojo in a typical V-pattern formation.
BUBBLES: Yeah! We were flying to Mojo Jojo's house! I like flying...oh! And then there were these really pretty clouds! ...and there was one that was shaped like a heart...and there was this one that looked like a pretty pony...and then there was one that looked like a cloud... 
BLOSSOM: (Irately) AS I WAS SAYING...

With BUBBLES properly stared down into silence, BLOSSOM continues.

BLOSSOM: I devised a tactical plan based on past scenarios we had encountered. Abiding to my Powerpuff Girls PlanBook, we surrounded the perimeter of the Evil Mojo Jojo Compound as outlined in Section 10A.
BUTTERCUP: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! 

With that, BUTTERCUP picks up the tale.

BUTTERCUP: I busted in! SMASH! And there was Mojo! 'Arrr!' He said! 'Not so fast!' I said! 'Grrr!' Mojo said! It was just ME and MOJO! 'HA-HA!' He said! Suddenly, he was holding a giant laser, KABOOM, he fired!
BUBBLES: And it was a very pretty, shiny blue color! 
BUTTERCUP: It was coming at us! Blossom was helpless! WHOOSH and SMASH against the wall!!!

By this, BUTTERCUP means that just as she flew in and pulled BLOSSOM out of the harm's way the laser hit the observatory wall behind her.

BUBBLES: Yeah! Mojo did a very silly thing he did, blowing a hole in his house, boy, was he mad! There was steam comin' out of his ears, but I knew that deep down inside, he was a sad, poor little monkey... 
BLOSSOM: (Fuming) STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE! THE MAYOR ISN'T FOLLOWING YOUR STORIES AT ALL!!
BUTTERCUP: Well, if you would BUTT OUT, maybe he would!
BUBBLES: Yeah! BUTT IT OUT! Let me tell the story! I tell it the bestest! Besides, I remember everything like it happened yesterday! 
BLOSSOM: IT HAPPENED TODAY!! SEE?! THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!
BUTTERCUP: OH, SHUT UP!
BUBBLES: You don't even know how to tell a good bedtime story!
MAYOR: GIRLS, GIRLS!! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU WERE ALL LAUGHING!!
BUBBLES: Your turn, Blossom.
BLOSSOM: (Clears throat) Mojo surprised me by deviating from his usual textbook maneuver by employing his Fighting Robo Mojo.
BUBBLES: (Bubbly) Yeah, it was a BIG machine! Bigger than his laser machine, even! Even bigger, bigger than any bigger machine! Or even bigger than the biggest machine that's bigger than BIGGER! 
BLOSSOM: Mojo directed his missiles...
BUTTERCUP: ...But I was ready! He fired! WHEE-OOH! WHEE-OOH! It was coming at me and I jumped, SMASH! HA-POW! And then I flew at him, and SMASH! CRASH! WHAM! Chokeholder Punch! POW! SOCK! HIGH-KICK! HEAD SMASH! BASH, SUCKER!! 
BUBBLES: Buttercup hurt Mojo's head, and I would have kissied his widdle boo-boo, but I remember he was a bad monkey, so I KICKED IT INSTEAD! 
BLOSSOM: All of a sudden, from nowhere, Mojo Jojo deployed these...NINJA thingies...
BUTTERCUP: AHEM. Nunchakus. 

After filling in that little gap in BLOSSOM'S knowledge, BUTTERCUP continues the plotline.

BUTTERCUP: And WHISH! WHISH-WHISH-WHISH-WHISH! He was all kung fu style! 'Wha-ooh!' But I was ready! 
BLOSSOM: Then we initiated the attack again! I led the team, of course!
BUTTERCUP: (Somewhat pleased) But then Blossom got SMASHED, BASHED, right in the kisser! 
BUBBLES: And he almost got me! 

For some reason, BUBBLES finds great humor in almost being struck by MOJO JOJO'S ninja weapons, and she giggles.

BLOSSOM: (Arrogantly) And then Mojo Jojo turned around and swung a mind-blowing blow, and he hit Buttercup! As she fell limp, that's when I knew that it was up to me to save the day!
BUTTERCUP: Um...I wasn't hit that hard.
BUBBLES: And what about me, huh? 
BLOSSOM: Uh...you drew the pretty picture, remember? 
BUBBLES: Oh yeah!
MAYOR: (Impatiently) But what about all the laughing?!
BUTTERCUP: Now I was really mad! Mojo was gonna get it! SMASH! CRUSH! I PUNCHED HIM!!
BLOSSOM: And I gave him a good one of my own! 
BUBBLES: I helped too! 
BLOSSOM: Buttercup was beating up Mojo pretty good, according to plan. 
BUBBLES: Yeah! And there were some guts! ...oh, I didn't like the guts. Eyuck. 
BLOSSOM: I took Mojo into custody in order to keep Buttercup from beating him up, and deposited him in a safe place and then saved you and raced back here.

The 'safe place' in question BLOSSOM deposits MOJO JOJO at is inside a metal trash can, possibly right outside his own Secret Lair.

BUBBLES: And then we took off your blindfold and then you asked us 'Hey, what happened?' And then I told you I was drawing a picture of a pretty flower and then Blossom said... 
BUTTERCUP & BLOSSOM: YOU'RE TELLING THE WHOLE STORY ALL OVER AGAIN!!
BUBBLES: Oho. Sorry. 
MAYOR: (Totally exasperated) GIRLS!! THAT'S ALL OKEY-DOKEY, PEACHY-KEEN, FINE 'N' DANDY, BUT YOU NEVER EXPLAINED WHAT WAS SO GOSH-DARN FUNNY!!!!
BUTTERCUP: Whoa. Look at the time. 
BLOSSOM: Yeah, we got to go.
BUBBLES: See you, Mayor!
POWERPUFFS: Bye! 

They fly out of the very window MOJO JOJO originally broke in through, leaving the MAYOR alone to yell at their disappearing figures.

MAYOR: (Defeated) WAIT! WHY WERE YOU LAUGHING?! Why were you girls laughing? 

The MAYOR fails to realize that some very important things about his person are missing. He is garbed in his mayorin' hat, his monocle, and absolutely nothing else! Our NARRATOR snorts out laughter.

NARRATOR: Mayor! Looks like Mojo STRIPPED you of even more than your power! But the Girls couldn't BARE to tell you the NAKED truth! 

As the NARRATOR breaks out into more laughter, The Flashing Heart Logo Flashes its Hearts.

NARRATOR: So once again the Day is Saved Thanks To The Powerpuff Girls! ...Mayor, you cheeky devil!

T H E  E N D