numsayings = 203; x = Math.random() * numsayings; if (x < 1) saying = ("You are terrible in bed.") else if (x < 2) saying = ("If a tree fell in the forest and landed directly on top of you, you would scream like a little school girl.") else if (x < 3) saying = ("My cat has regurgitated things with more muscles than you.") else if (x < 4) saying = ("It's amazing that someone of your age could still have such bad acne.") else if (x < 5) saying = ("A great philosopher once said, "Why don't you eat a big bowl of shut the f*ck up?"") else if (x < 6) saying = ("Why can't you be more like your sister?") else if (x < 7) saying = ("They're coming to take you away.") else if (x < 8) saying = ("This fortune will detonate in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...") else if (x < 9) saying = ("On a scale of one to ten, you don't even register.") else if (x < 10) saying = ("You haven't changed your hairstyle in years, have you?") else if (x < 11) saying = ("I know what you did last summer and have plastered it everywhere on the Internet.") else if (x < 12) saying = ("Chinese food contains MSG which is known to cause cancer. Enjoy the last two years of your life sucker!") else if (x < 13) saying = ("You are the parent of my child and you owe me five years worth of child support.") else if (x < 14) saying = ("Everyone is laughing at you behind your back.") else if (x < 15) saying = ("You still wet the bed.") else if (x < 16) saying = ("Do your parents know how much you draw the Powerpuff Girls?") else if (x < 17) saying = ("Even your imaginary friends agree that you are irrepressibly dull.") else if (x < 18) saying = ("Stop picking your nose!") else if (x < 19) saying = ("Just a bit of friendly advice: You really should have someone shave your back.") else if (x < 20) saying = ("You know that joke you always tell? It wasn't even funny the first time.") else if (x < 21) saying = ("Remember that time when Grandma crapped her pants in the car during that trip? Well, your breath smells like that, only worse.") else if (x < 22) saying = ("The food you just ate was injected with HIV. Have a nice day!") else if (x < 23) saying = ("You will soon meet a tall, dark, mysterious man while serving time in prison.") else if (x < 24) saying = ("It's amazing that you've been able to hide that third nipple for so long.") else if (x < 25) saying = ("Everyone knows about the hampster, you pervert.") else if (x < 26) saying = ("No one will press charges as long as you return the goat.") else if (x < 27) saying = ("The story of your life could be summed up in one sentence.") else if (x < 28) saying = ("Just because the dog drinks out of the toilet doesn't mean you should.") else if (x < 29) saying = ("Just think. You're wasting time reading this while you could be working on your earwax sculptures.") else if (x < 30) saying = ("Wherever you go, the stench follows.") else if (x < 31) saying = ("Even your shadow is embarrassed to be seen with you.") else if (x < 32) saying = ("I predict that your chances of losing your virginity are a gazillion to one.") else if (x < 33) saying = ("Your biological mother was a bald midget with a glass eye and a wooden tail who lived in the sewers of some filthy little city in Saudi Arabia.") else if (x < 34) saying = ("Your nose hairs are like a thick dark forest.  Many small animals are trapped in them.") else if (x < 35) saying = ("Some people have all the luck.  You are not one of those people.") else if (x < 36) saying = ("You will soon have a vicious bout of bloody diarrhea.") else if (x < 37) saying = ("She'll never go out with you, trust me.") else if (x < 38) saying = ("I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you this...no, actually, I'm laughing my ass off!") else if (x < 39) saying = ("Remember that stuff the cat wretched up last week? You just stepped in it.") else if (x < 40) saying = ("We get you eat rat.  Hahahahaha!") else if (x < 41) saying = ("Your biological father, in his drunken state, mistook your mother for a goat.") else if (x < 42) saying = ("Those bumps on your posterior are not beauty marks.") else if (x < 43) saying = ("That rash isn't poison ivy.") else if (x < 44) saying = ("You should get that looked at.") else if (x < 45) saying = ("Do the world a favor.  Don't ever get naked.") else if (x < 46) saying = ("I predict that you will die by drowning in a puddle your own urine.") else if (x < 47) saying = ("My God, what is that brown stuff between your teeth? Oh, those are your teeth. Sorry.") else if (x < 48) saying = ("Why do you even bother getting up in the morning?") else if (x < 49) saying = ("Your village called. They want the bodies back.") else if (x < 50) saying = ("A great man once said, "Would you like to take a shower with me?"") else if (x < 51) saying = ("Your voice is like the gentle yapping of a horny chihuahua.") else if (x < 52) saying = ("If you plan on traveling this summer, please reconsider. No one wants to see you in a bathing suit.") else if (x < 53) saying = ("The cardboard cut-out of Austin Powers at the local Spencer's is a better conversationalist than you.") else if (x < 54) saying = ("Your lucky numbers for today are: Sorry, you have no lucky numbers.") else if (x < 55) saying = ("You want a match?  Sure: your face and my butt.") else if (x < 56) saying = ("We don't want your kind around here.") else if (x < 57) saying = ("All work and no play makes you the dull person you are.") else if (x < 58) saying = ("You are meddling with powers you couldn't possibly understand. Electricity...what a hoot.") else if (x < 59) saying = ("Don't feel bad.  Sex isn't for everyone.") else if (x < 60) saying = ("Don't you think its about time you stopped breastfeeding?") else if (x < 61) saying = ("Your great talent is the ability to completely sicken those around you.") else if (x < 62) saying = ("You will soon be propositioned by a close relative.") else if (x < 63) saying = ("Everything you touch turns to styrofoam packaging components.") else if (x < 64) saying = ("Your genetics are only vaguely human.") else if (x < 65) saying = ("If you love something, set it free and for God's sake, quit stalking it!") else if (x < 66) saying = ("Children who see you walking down the street have nightmares for weeks on end. Stop going outside. Do it for the children.") else if (x < 67) saying = ("Contrary to what you believe, necrophilia is not an acceptable form of ancestor worship.") else if (x < 68) saying = ("Your eyes are like two vapid pools of raw sewage.") else if (x < 69) saying = ("Eating glue is neither a hobby nor a lifestyle.") else if (x < 70) saying = ("You couldn't fight your way out of a pair of fishnet stockings.") else if (x < 71) saying = ("This space for rent.") else if (x < 72) saying = ("No one wants to see your lice farm. Or your bandaide ball. Or your collection of scabs.") else if (x < 73) saying = ("Proverb: A bird in the hand can be really, really messy.") else if (x < 74) saying = ("Is that a Prozac in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?") else if (x < 75) saying = ("I predict that you will soon contract a violent STD from contact with a gas station toilet seat.") else if (x < 76) saying = ("No one is an island.  Except you.  You're a leper colony.") else if (x < 77) saying = ("While traveling abroad, you will be eaten by a cannabilistic tribe of midgets in South London.") else if (x < 78) saying = ("You will soon become involved with a mysterious dark-haired woman who does not shave her legs. Or her beard.") else if (x < 79) saying = ("Message from your butt to your face: Put out or get out!") else if (x < 80) saying = ("Do you kiss your mother with that gangrenous dripping maw you call a mouth?") else if (x < 81) saying = ("Please stop calling me for advice on your boil.") else if (x < 82) saying = ("Cowtipping is not a sport.") else if (x < 83) saying = ("This is your lucky day!  Make a wish!  Ewww...that's disgusting.") else if (x < 84) saying = ("Some people say you're a few pieces short of a jigsaw puzzle, and they're right, you know.") else if (x < 85) saying = ("Everyone is out to get you...except maybe the Amish.") else if (x < 86) saying = ("Put that thing away before you kill some microbes or something.") else if (x < 87) saying = ("Out for lunch. Will be back next Thursday.") else if (x < 88) saying = ("When people tell you, "It's not you, it's me" ...it's always you.") else if (x < 89) saying = ("You tip delivery boy too tiny. Your house get bomb now.") else if (x < 90) saying = ("Lard was never meant to be used as cologne.") else if (x < 91) saying = ("Your ideal career is: sewage attendant.") else if (x < 92) saying = ("Your taste in music is questionable.") else if (x < 93) saying = ("Plaid does NOT go with polka dots by any stretch of the imagination.") else if (x < 94) saying = ("Your greatest weakness is your personality.") else if (x < 95) saying = ("When it rains, it pours.  Its funny how that storm cloud follows you wherever you go.") else if (x < 96) saying = ("By the time you are sixty-five, you will have nearly eight teeth left.") else if (x < 97) saying = ("Your greatest strength is your overwhelming halitosis.") else if (x < 98) saying = ("You have many redeeming qualities. I'm sorry, that was a mistake. It should have read "You have no redeeming qualities."") else if (x < 99) saying = ("Stop humping the dog's leg!") else if (x < 100) saying = ("This fortune is now out of style. Just like your clothes.") else if (x < 101) saying = ("You have too much time on your hands, not to mention boogers.") else if (x < 102) saying = ("Most people have an angel and a devil on each shoulder. You have only a filthy vagrant who calls himself Mr. Smegma.") else if (x < 103) saying = ("I predict that you will soon be the victim of a drive-by circumcision.") else if (x < 104) saying = ("We are writing to inform you that you are being sued for a bajillion dollars. Thank you and have a nice day.") else if (x < 105) saying = ("You will soon inherit a large estate from a rich uncle. Unfortunately, it will consist mostly of cheese.") else if (x < 106) saying = ("You will spend roughly two-thirds of your life in the bathroom trying to pass that rare coin collection you ate as a child.") else if (x < 107) saying = ("Don't feel bad. You can always work for a traveling freak show.") else if (x < 108) saying = ("Most lawn gnomes are more sexually active than you will ever be.") else if (x < 109) saying = ("Remember how you're uncle used to ride you up and down on his knee only it wasn't his knee? Well, he's in prison now.") else if (x < 110) saying = ("Your ideal career is: bearded lady.") else if (x < 111) saying = ("You're fired!") else if (x < 112) saying = ("Your couch will soon collapse under your immense weight.") else if (x < 113) saying = ("You will soon be hit in the face with a bat, giving you a good excuse to look like you do.") else if (x < 114) saying = ("More people notice the smell of beer and vomit on you than you realize.") else if (x < 115) saying = ("You will look JUST LIKE someone wanted for murder in your town.") else if (x < 116) saying = ("You will one day have a virus named after you. A highly contagious virus that leaves scabs on genitalia.") else if (x < 117) saying = ("You know that person you call Mom?  Well...") else if (x < 118) saying = ("That outfit is NOT sexy, no matter what your brother says.") else if (x < 119) saying = ("I'm not sure that squeezing the sweat out of your underwear into a jar and keeping it qualifies as a hobby.") else if (x < 120) saying = ("Your deodorant will work better when you stop using it as a suppository.") else if (x < 121) saying = ("Techno is dead, and so is your goldfish.") else if (x < 122) saying = ("You're not as ugly as you think you are. But you're not doing so well in the smell department.") else if (x < 123) saying = ("You didn't get cut from the basketball team because you're white, it's because you're a HONKEY!") else if (x < 124) saying = ("Meatloaf got the hot chick in that video because he's worth millions. You ain't got millions.") else if (x < 125) saying = ("What is that on your teeth? Are they RUSTING?!?") else if (x < 126) saying = ("I predict big things will happen to you - but that's just what's in store for your spouse.") else if (x < 127) saying = ("Cats know stuff - like what you did to the dog last night.") else if (x < 128) saying = ("You will make the newspapers soon - too bad for you, it'll be the Weekly World News.") else if (x < 129) saying = ("You have a long career ahead of you as the model for "Before" pictures in advertisements.") else if (x < 130) saying = ("Your mom said she'd love you forever, but after this, she's not so sure.") else if (x < 131) saying = ("You are a disappointment to God.  Not to mention pet owners.") else if (x < 132) saying = ("Riding around in the back of an Adult Corrections van is NOT a good way to make new friends.") else if (x < 133) saying = ("God, did you see the last one to ask for a fortune? Did you see their... oh, you're still here! Um, lucky numbers are 6, 14, and 32.") else if (x < 134) saying = ("You'll never impress anyone with THAT car.") else if (x < 135) saying = ("The mystical 8-ball is dead. Guess it couldn't foresee Vito and Luigi coming for the money last night.") else if (x < 136) saying = ("I'd leave your stint as a prostitute off the resume if I were you.") else if (x < 137) saying = ("I've seen better eyes on a potato.") else if (x < 138) saying = ("Playing accordian in a polka group doesn't entitle you to tell people you're in a band.") else if (x < 139) saying = ("If you got any skinnier... well, I guess you couldn't be classified a planet anymore.") else if (x < 140) saying = ("PUT the mayonnaise DOWN.") else if (x < 141) saying = ("No one's going to remember your birthday. They're trying to forget your name.") else if (x < 142) saying = ("Sorry for the confusion... if we'd have known, we wouldn't have called Animal Control to take you away.") else if (x < 143) saying = ("Aren't your toes supposed to be the OTHER way around?") else if (x < 144) saying = ("I think I love you.  Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to say I think I love your best friend.") else if (x < 145) saying = ("The girls in the swimsuit issue would NOT want you.  Hell, the lady behind the counter at Rite Aid wouldn't want you.") else if (x < 146) saying = ("Did you come from behind that rock or crawl out from under it?") else if (x < 147) saying = ("You COULD get pregnant, but it's not like anyone would notice.") else if (x < 148) saying = ("Weight loss ideas?  How about tapeworm?") else if (x < 149) saying = ("You could be in movies.  Pornos, at least.") else if (x < 150) saying = ("A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.") else if (x < 151) saying = ("You will go unnoticed like the period after the "Dr." on a "Dr Pepper" can.") else if (x < 152) saying = ("I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. The "brightness" knob doesn't work.") else if (x < 153) saying = ("Nobody knows the trouble you've seen.  Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way.") else if (x < 154) saying = ("Your mouse has moved.  Please wait while Windows restarts for the change to take effect.") else if (x < 155) saying = ("By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.") else if (x < 156) saying = ("There is a 70% probability of tomorrow.") else if (x < 157) saying = ("The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.") else if (x < 158) saying = ("Commit suicide.  A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.") else if (x < 159) saying = ("All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.") else if (x < 160) saying = ("Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.") else if (x < 161) saying = ("If someone offers you the world on a silver platter, take the platter.") else if (x < 162) saying = ("Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.") else if (x < 163) saying = ("You can resist anything but temptation.") else if (x < 164) saying = ("You'll have a bad day today, but no matter.  You can always return it.") else if (x < 165) saying = ("Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.") else if (x < 166) saying = ("Whaddaya want from me?  I'm Eastern European in ancestry; we're born depressed.") else if (x < 167) saying = ("Diaper spelled backwards is Repaid.  Think about it.") else if (x < 168) saying = ("Support your local bloodhound: Get lost.") else if (x < 169) saying = ("After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.") else if (x < 170) saying = ("If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.") else if (x < 171) saying = ("Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.") else if (x < 172) saying = ("Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office party.") else if (x < 173) saying = ("You're one of the main reasons for twin beds.") else if (x < 174) saying = ("I think it's important for you to realize that you just can't be good at everything. For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but he sucked on the organ.") else if (x < 175) saying = ("You will never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.") else if (x < 176) saying = ("Half the people you know are below average.") else if (x < 177) saying = ("Whenever life gets you down, consider your alternative.") else if (x < 178) saying = ("Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.") else if (x < 179) saying = ("If a man asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.") else if (x < 180) saying = ("Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.") else if (x < 181) saying = ("An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.") else if (x < 182) saying = ("You are in shape.  Round is a shape.") else if (x < 183) saying = ("My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.") else if (x < 184) saying = ("Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.") else if (x < 185) saying = ("Build a bridge, and get over it.") else if (x < 186) saying = ("Do they ever shut up on your planet?") else if (x < 187) saying = ("You'll eventually find that it is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.") else if (x < 188) saying = ("Do not meddle in the affairs of moderators, for they are subtle and quick to anger.") else if (x < 189) saying = ("Arguing on the Internet is like running in the Special Olympics.  Even if you win, you're still retarded.") else if (x < 190) saying = ("Your complex problems each have an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.") else if (x < 191) saying = ("If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.") else if (x < 192) saying = ("My cat's breath smells like cat food.") else if (x < 193) saying = ("Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet turbines.") else if (x < 194) saying = ("The following sentence is true.
The preceding sentence was false.") else if (x < 195) saying = ("Get that rat's nest off your head you numbskull.") else if (x < 196) saying = ("The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making the world believe that he didn't exist.") else if (x < 197) saying = ("What?  You were expecting something witty?") else if (x < 198) saying = ("You have a girlfriend?  What's her last name?  .gif or .jpg?") else if (x < 199) saying = ("That light you see at the end of the tunnel might be from an oncoming train.") else if (x < 200) saying = ("You can get so much more with a kind word and a two-by-four than you can get with just a kind word.") else if (x < 201) saying = ("Where are we going and what are we doing in this handbasket?") else if (x < 202) saying = ("You will wonder if Afghan women actually have the best bodies in the world?  Think about it.") else saying = ("You suck.") document.write(saying);